


Of Silence and Darkness

by Snowingiron



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Anal Sex, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rough Sex, Scars, Self-Harm, Some past traumas will come up in the Drift, Still a little fluffy, The Drift (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 08:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5960998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowingiron/pseuds/Snowingiron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Fenders February prompt: <b>Pacific Rim AU</b></p><p>Fenris and Anders are drift compatible and they don't like it, not one bit. Fenris hates it a little more perhaps and hopes it goes so awfully wrong so that no one will make them drift again. But then Fenris learns things he didn't know before and it all turns out a little different than he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Silence and Darkness

They were staring at each other. Fenris couldn't look away. Anders' brows were slightly furrowed, his long blond hair was tied back in a messy bun and his hands were grasping the insides of his dark green hoodie jacket, shaping them into fists. Fenris scowled at the mage and lifted his chin, not giving in to whatever was going on right now.

 

Varric was actually talking to them while looking at his pad, reading stuff off of it, giving them information, but both of them had stopped listening after ' _You've been assigned to the same Jaeger_ ' and then they had started this ridiculous glaring contest. Whoever could express their disdain for that decision best would probably win. They were pretty even so far.

 

Fenris wrinkled his nose a little like he smelled a rotten corpse and shifted back. That only made Anders give him a dirty look, lifting his arms to cross them in front of his chest. Fenris bared his teeth. Anders lifted a brow. The elf growled. The mage huffed.

 

"Are you two even listening?!"

 

Both of them recoiled and turned their gazes to Varric who was obviously annoyed but there was a hint of amusement in the curve of his lips, there always was when Anders and Fenris were fighting. And they fought a lot. Ever since they both had come to Kirkwall, to seek refuge with the Grey Warden's Jaeger-program, they had clashed. Anders was complaining about his hard life in the circle while Fenris didn't trust any mage and was glad that the circles existed. Mages shouldn't pilot a Jaeger...

 

In Tevinter, magisters had their own Maleficar-program going on. They told everyone that they weren't using blood magic but Fenris knew better. He had seen them, drifting with demons so they wouldn't have to rely on a self-determining partner. They were free to do whatever they wanted and not everyone was hunting down darkspawn and dragons with their Jaegers. Some used them to fight other countries, Tevinter and Nevarra had always been eyeing each other suspiciously.

 

Danarius was Fenris' former master, a cruel and wicked man who had experimented with Lyrium and slaves, trying to reproduce the maleficar ritual so one wouldn't need a co-pilot. This was how Fenris had gotten his markings. It was supposed to make him strong enough to drift alone, but it had failed. Fenris remembered being in the cockpit of his Jaeger, Lyrium Ghost, while fighting another one called Fog Warrior. He had felt the drift seeping into his brain, making his nose bleed until he could taste it in his mouth. He had been too weak.

 

But instead of tearing him apart, Fog Warrior had stopped fighting him, had grabbed him before he could fall back into the water. He had lost consciousness right there, but when he woke up... It was on the beach, alone, the pilot system had shut down, red letters with the words 'drift connection interrupted' as the only source of light. The Jaeger had saved him... and then Fenris ran. Here, to Kirkwall, one of the few free cities left that didn't treat elves like slaves and dealt with mages the way they should be dealt with. Well, except for Anders. Apparently being friends with the Champions of Kirkwall gave you special treatment.

 

"Guys, please." Varric sighed. "Hawke personally requested you two as backup for the next mission."

 

"So this is Hawke's doing?" Fenris frowned at the dwarf.

 

"Not entirely. Everyone watched your fight back in the gym and the computer then finished calculating everyone's compatibility. You're both on top of the list with 99%."

 

Anders made a weird sound in the back of his throat while Fenris choked on his spit.

 

"What?"

 

"Impossible."

 

"No one ever..."

 

"The computer must be wrong."

 

Varric regarded Anders with an amused grin and adjusted his glasses.

 

"The computer must be wrong? I dare you to repeat that in Aveline's presence, you know she wrote the program. It's way more accurate than the human eye."

 

"But-"

 

"I know. The highest known compatibility were Hawke and Isabela a few years ago with 85%, which is probably why they're so good at it. So can you imagine what you two would be able to do? Maybe you could stop the blight!"

 

For the first time Fenris dared to look back at Anders, but when he caught the mage staring at him intensively he quickly averted his gaze to the floor, or rather Anders' feet. Worn out sneakers with torn shoelaces, just like the hem of his skinny black jeans. Apparently Anders had never requested new clothes when he had come here, even though the Grey Wardens took good care of their recruits.

 

"I will not drift with him," Fenris grunted.

 

Varric sighed.

 

"I see. You're very stubborn about this. It's sad that you both can't see how much you actually have in common, but that can't be helped right now and it doesn't really matter. It's an order. Tomorrow morning you'll both come to the docks and we'll prepare a Jaeger for you to test the drift. Get enough sleep." With that Varric turned around and disappeared down the corridor, which he had found them in earlier.

 

It was silent for a moment, he could see Anders' feet shift a little, then they stepped closer. Fenris immediately hissed and lifted his eyes, meeting Anders'. But he didn't expect to see Anders so... hurt. Wasn't he as disgusted about this whole thing as Fenris was? Hadn't that been the point of their staring contest earlier?

 

"Fenris," Anders swallowed visibly and Fenris couldn't help but stare at the little movement in the man's throat that was right on eye-level with the elf. "Maybe I should tell you th-"

 

"No. Whatever happens tomorrow, I won't pilot a Jaeger with you," he said stubbornly and turned around, raising the collar of his black leather jacket. Then he almost ran down the corridor on his bare feet.

 

He didn't want to drift with Anders, he didn't want him to know every little detail of the life he had. He _also_ didn't want to know anything about the mage, about his misery and his righteous fury.

 

( _"You're not the only one who suffered Fenris."_

 

_"Don't compare your priviledged life to mine, mage."_

 

_"I didn't say I didn't have priviledges in the circle. But that's not all they give to mages. They take away so much more."_

 

 _"Don't bare your heart to me unless you want to see it ripped out."_ )

 

Inside his quarter he immediately ripped off his jacket and his white shirt underneath. He was still angry, because he wasn't afraid to pilot a Jaeger, it always had been one of the few times when he didn't feel like he was on a leash. He wasn't afraid of the drift either. He just simply didn't want it. Why couldn't it be someone else? Fighting with Donnic hadn't felt so bad either and he had even connected to Merrill, a little.

 

Inside the small bathroom Fenris let the tap water gather in both of his hands before he splashed it into his face, rubbing it in like balm, and then wiped his damp fingers through his white hair. When he came to Kirkwall he had shaved it off on all sides, only leaving the top as it was, so it would sometimes fall into his eyes. The rest of him was still the same, his markings hadn't changed, they still ached and they still felt like scars, even though most people looked at him like they were art. Fenris knew better than that.

 

That night Fenris didn't sleep very well. It wasn't that he had bad dreams or anything, he just didn't manage to fall asleep. He tossed and turned on the sheets of the way too soft bed (Slaves never got such comfortable beds) and just repeated that until the sun creeped through the window. It was time. He put on the black pants and top that he'd have to wear under the suit and slipped into the leather jacket, like a safety blanket. He just hoped the drift would go so horribly wrong that they'd leave him alone and accept that Anders and him weren't that compatible after all.

 

When he entered the docks he was greeted by almost everyone of their little group, Aveline, Merrill, Isabela, Hawke... Anders was already with them, dressed in a black pilot suit with the helmet trapped under his arm. He laughed at something Isabela said but when Fenris entered, his smile dropped and his eyes got that sad look again. It automatically made the elf scowl. It always felt like Anders knew something that Fenris didn't and it drove him mad.

 

Aveline dragged him away immediately so he could suit up and Fenris held still while people circled him and strapped on the suit piece by piece. They put him together like a puzzle but Fenris was pretty sure that even in the same suit, he and Anders would never match up.

 

So when they entered the cockpit Fenris was strangely calm. All of yesterday's anxiety was replaced by determination. It wouldn't work anyway. Even if Anders' saw glimpses of Fenris' life, he didn't care anymore. Perhaps the mage would shut up about mage rights then.

 

Fenris took the right hemisphere for himself and Anders didn't seem to complain, his brown eyes fixed the elf through the front of the helmet.

 

"Ready?"

 

Fenris only nodded and let the Jaeger hook into the artificial spine of his suit, a strangely familiar feeling. Maybe that's why he was so calm. This was something he knew. But when he looked to his left now, there was someone else.

 

"Listen, before this starts, I want to warn y-"

 

"Spare me the details, I'm probably about to see them anyway. They can't be worse than my memories. I'm prepared for that."

 

Anders huffed and then turned his head away.

 

"You know what? Fine. Whatever. I won't hold back anything. Let's see if you won't chase the r.a.b.b.i.t., maybe there will be actual silence between us, for once."

 

" _Initiating neural handshake in 15 seconds._ "

 

" _Behave, boys. This is important to everyone._ " Hawke sounded confident through the com, Fenris could imagine her excited smile.

 

Waiting silently, they let the computer do the talking, counting down to zero, until the Jaeger pulled Fenris into the familiar sea of blue that layered all thoughts and memories inside his head. He wanted to walk past them, to leap right into the silent darkness that was the drift. But a presence at his side didn't let him, like something was holding on to his sleeve, making him wait and endure it all over again.

 

He was a child again, crying for his father but he wouldn't come, never again. It had been a lesson for his mother, but they all had to pay the price. All he had left were his mother and sister, and he couldn't help them, couldn't free them... until the day Danarius offered him the markings. And Fenris remembered, oh he remembered the pain and knew that Anders felt it too, the agony, like he was being burned alive but couldn't die. He would never be Leto again, he would never again have a life without pain, a life that didn't belong to himself anyway.

 

There was a slight feeling of sadistic pleasure, knowing that Anders went through everything he did. He wanted him to understand . But then Fenris was able to move them past the memories, only letting Anders get a glimpse of the Fog Warrior, enough for him to know how Fenris got away from Danarius. But he still couldn't move on to the darkness. Instead he dropped to his knees, seeing himself in a mirror, but it was Anders' face, the hair shorter, face younger. There was his father, not being killed by his master but dragging him, his _own son_ , to the templars, looking at him like he was a monster. Fenris' heart dropped. No, he didn't want to see that.

 

He was thrown into the circle and he met Karl, the only soft and beautiful thing in his rough life. Where the templars beat his skin until he bled and was bruised, Karl's hands were tender and wiped his tears away. Fenris, no, Anders, had tried to run so often, the elf could feel his own legs burn, but it was all for naught. The templars would always find him.

 

When Fenris thought they had finally reached the silence of the drift, the comforting darkness, he realised that this wasn't it. This darkness was something else. He started to whimper and to cry, scratching with his fingers against walls that he could only feel but not see. He kept doing it until fingernails parted from flesh and he screamed and screamed for an eternity but he couldn't get out.

 

"Stop it," Fenris whispered against the cold floor. "I don't want your pain."

 

"I know... You have enough of your own. But we're not finished."

 

And suddenly Fenris was surrounded by Grey Wardens. Not the ones from Kirkwall, these were Fereldens and they greeted him like a friend. Anders had been a Grey Warden before? He had never mentioned it! Karl was with him, Karl was always at his side. They loved each other, even though they weren't in love. But they had no one else and there was no one else they would drift with either. For a time there was happiness, but the drift didn't care about that, it wanted to drag Fenris deeper into Anders' soul, to drown him in misery and Fenris was stupid enough to let it.

 

Somewhere in the distance he could hear Hawke screaming, telling him not to chase the r.a.b.b.i.t. but it was too late. He was in a cockpit, but not this one. He could see Karl on his left side, not Anders, and Karl was screaming something and then he was gone. The whole hemisphere was ripped from the Jaeger and he could feel him die. It felt like he was dying himself, only multiplied. And then there was nothing, nothing but his own mind, trying to stem the loss and the drift at the same time. He wouldn't survive this. His body started to burn, Fenris was horrifyingly reminded of the lyrium branding and screamed. He screamed and he didn't stop. The blue light intensified and there was nothing that could save him now. Nothing but....

 

"Fenris? Fenris!"

 

Fenris' eyes snapped open. His helmet was gone and he was in someone's arm. Someone was cradeling his body, rocking him and apologising. Fenris frowned slightly until his eyes adjusted and he could see Anders' face. Long strands of hair had losened from the bun and framed his face, his concerned face. Fenris' body felt numb but his mind still remembered the intense pain. His own and Anders'. He lifted his shaking hand and fingers buried themselves in the blond hair. For a moment the mage's eyes softened, but then the fingers clenched into a fist that painfully tugged at his roots and Anders grimaced.

 

"You let it in," Fenris whispered.

 

Anders swallowed. "Yes."

 

"That's why you didn't tell anyone that you already were a Grey Warden once. They would ask how you survived."

 

"Yes..."

 

"You let a demon in."

 

He had seen the last glimpses of the bright blue light. A demon, offering help, offering him the strength to fight back, for a cause... what cause?

 

"He's a spirit," Anders said. Fenris' grip tightened and the mage grabbed his wrist, trying to loosen it from his hair.

 

"It doesn't matter."

 

"It _does_ ."

 

But Fenris was having none of it. He fought his way out of Anders' arms and left the cockpit, ignoring all the red lights that followed him. He could hear people calling his name, Hawke and Varric tried to stop him, but Fenris shrugged them off and ran to his quarters, his save haven, the only place that ever was _his_ . He teared off the pieces of the suit, the spine dropped to the floor and moved it's little hooks, trying to grab on to something. Fenris kicked it into the corner of his room.

 

Then he stripped until he was naked and embraced himself with both arms. He felt too hot and recognised the familiar feeling of panic creeping up his back and his throat, making him cough. He dragged himself into the small bathroom so he could lean on the sink, trying not to vomit. He looked into the mirror and almost didn't recognise himself. Instead of looking angry and disgusted, like he felt, he looked... sad. No, that was not himself. That was Anders inside of him.

 

He snarled and punched the mirror, hard. It shattered immediately, like a spider's web that split his image in an obscure pattern. He was breathing heavily, his knuckles throbbed and he knew he was bleeding. Quickly he turned away from it and jumped into the shower. He usually preferred cold showers, but right now he needed the hot water to remind him of the pain he had felt, so he could rub it all off until he was clean again. Clean from the feelings and the memories, his own and Anders'.

 

He scrubbed at his skin until it was red, the Lyrium glowing slightly from the irritation, and Fenris was pretty sure that he was crying a little. He wasn't weak. It wasn't weakness that made him feel that way, it had just been overwhelming. He wondered if Anders felt the same. Or did he feel like this all the time?

 

When he left the shower he was more careful with the towel, rubbing carefully at his aching limbs. Then he slipped into his most comfortable clothes he had, one of his dark leggins and a long shirt that covered his thighs. Then he crawled under the warm covers of his bed and curled up in it until sleep claimed his throbbing brain.

 

He dreamed of nothing.

 

It seemed that no one had tried to follow Fenris or knocked on his door while he had been asleep and no one came to wake him for anything either. So when he woke up on his own, the sun was bright and already high up in the sky. He usually never got much sleep, but perhaps the lack of yesterday's sleep and the exhausting drift had taken it's toll. And he felt strangely rested. His skin wasn't red anymore, his hand only hurt a little and everything that happened yesterday also felt like it happened yesterday. He didn't feel haunted, even though he still remembered.

 

But then someone knocked at his door. Fenris sighed and rolled back the covers, not bothering to look into a mirror or change his clothes, he opened the heavy door and... there was Anders. He, on the other hand looked like he didn't sleep at all. Still, he gave Fenris a once over and the corners of his mouth twitched slightly when his gaze reached Fenris' hair. Well, not everyone could roll out of bed with a perfect hairdo.

 

"What do you want," Fenris said, not making it sound like an actual question but the usual spite was missing somehow. Perhaps he was still too tired for that.

 

"Can I come in...?" That was a question.

 

"Why?" Fenris supported himself with his arm resting against the doorframe and Anders took a deep breath, the hint of a blush on his cheeks.

 

"I want to talk to you about what happened yesterday. I didn't get much time to explain... _everything_."

 

Fenris was not in the mood for talking but he couldn't help being curious about what the mage had to say. So he just moved away from the door and held it open for him. Anders smiled a little and Fenris closed the door behind him.

 

"Well then, explain."

 

No one sat down, they just stood there awkwardly, Fenris still at the door and Anders in the middle of the room.

 

"About Justice..."

 

"Who?"

 

"The spirit..."

 

"Ah..."

 

"He is not a demon and he is not so bad. But after what I've seen from your memories... I understand that you're wary of all of this. I didn't want to show you everything, didn't want to make you feel so much but... I was so furious. You didn't want to listen, so all I could do was show you."

 

Fenris crossed his arms and leaned against the door, looking at Anders curiously. He was nervous, like he still was hiding something from Fenris, but he had seen everything, hadn't he? There was nothing left, right?

 

"You know," Fenris said. "The magisters in Tevinter figured out how to use blood magic and let others drift with demons. Do you know what it feels like to drift with something that evil...? I don't know it myself, but those who stepped out of the Jaegers never were the same again."

 

Anders looked at him with wide eyes.

 

"Maker's breath... I didn't know that."

 

"Very few know..."

 

"But it isn't like that with Justice. He saved me..."

 

Fenris knew. He had felt it, even if the memory had already been far away, he knew.

 

"I could feel it," Fenris muttered and kept looking at the mage. "The pain of losing your lover like that."

 

Anders nodded. "I was still connected to him when he died...The drift poisened my body, tainted it. I wouldn't have survived it on my own. But I, we, brought the Jaeger back to the Wardens. And then I... left."

 

Suddenly Anders was opening the zipper of his hoodie and Fenris' eyes widened.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"I'll show you."

 

He dropped the hoodie to the floor and then started to take off the black shirt he was wearing underneath. Fenris realised that he had never seen the mage without it and when he pulled it over his head, the elf's breath hitched. Anders' body was covered in scars, but only on the right sight of his body... the one he would pilot the Jaeger with, in his memories. And those scars weren't just scars, it was a pattern that Fenris recognised because it was the shape of the neural pattern that covered a pilot's suit. The drift had literally branded itself into Anders' skin, almost like an architectural drawing.

 

Before he could stop himself, he had stepped closer, reaching out with his long fingers to touch them. Aveline would probably be in awe if she saw this, Merrill would perhaps call them beautiful despite their origin. And then it hit him. The reason why Anders had never looked at Fenris' markings the way the others did. Because he knew better, too.

 

Fenris withdrew his hand without touching the scars and looked up into Anders' eyes.

 

"That pain... would've made anyone give in, I guess."

 

Anders tensed a little. "So you... believe me? Everything? You don't think I deserve it?"

 

 _Fasta vass_ ... how could he? He knew Anders wasn't lying, he had seen and felt everything. Even if he wanted to believe that Anders was lying to make himself look better, to make himself look like a victim... Fenris knew that it was the truth. They both had lost their families, they both had suffered from slavery or something close to it. They both had been branded. They were more fragile than they liked to admit.

 

"Fool mage," he said and rubbed the back of his own neck, eyes darting to the side. "I don't trust mages and their intentions. But... I trust _you_ , because I _know better_ . I don't have a choice anymore."

 

When he heard Anders make a wounded noise in the back of his throat, he looked up again and finally the man's façade crumbled, leaving his face raw and open. Then Fenris saw it, the little something Anders still had tried to hide from it. Affection, need, want. For him. And it mirrored his own. It wasn't something that had developed in the drift or afterwards. Fenris had always found him attractive, which was another reason to hate him. A mage shouldn't be that beautiful, shouldn't act so charming and gentle to wrap his friends around his finger. Fenris had wanted to break him, to fuck that attitute out of him, but now he knew that it was not an act.

 

Fenris clasped Anders' neck with one hand and pulled him in, smashing their lips together harshly because Fenris knew next to nothing about tenderness. But apparently Anders didn't expect any of it because he was moaning against the elf's mouth and kissed him back, parting his lips eagerly. Fenris tasted him with his tongue until he shivered and pressed his whole body against Fenris'. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to feel Anders' skin on his, scars on markings, so alike.

 

He teared his lips away from Anders' to quickly slip out of his shirt. He dropped it to the ground and immediately pulled him in for another open mouthed kiss, sucking the tongue into his mouth until Anders' whined needily. This time he shoved his hands right into Anders' blonde hair, losening the bun to make it fall around the mage's shoulders. It was even longer than Fenris had thought.

 

"Bed," he growled and pushed Anders' on the unmade sheets, before he crouched down to pull off Anders' shoes, socks and finally, his pants and underwear. Fenris had a smug grin on his face when he saw that Anders was already hard. He was blushing, but it was not just in his face, it was a full body flush and he slightly squirmed under Fenris' gaze.

 

The drift pattern went all the way down, over his hip, his leg... and they were still red, they would probably never fade like normal scars did. Fenris stepped out of his own leggins before he leaned down and let his lips slide up Anders' leg, following the pattern up to his stomach, planting little kisses wherever a line crossed the other. The mage shivered underneath him, limbs trembling. Had anyone ever seen him like this ever since it happened? He knew Anders had had flings with some people on the Warden base, but he probably made them turn off the lights or left his clothes on. Something fluttered in his chest at the thought that Anders trusted him enough with this. Then again, what did they have to hide from each other now?

 

"Fenris," Anders breathed, hands curled into the sheets. "Please, don't... don't tease now."

 

"Now?" Fenris crawled over Anders until he could look him straight in the eye, bodies pressed against each other's. "Am I allowed to tease next time?"

 

He felt Anders' cock jump at 'next time', could see his eyes start to shine a little. Then he bit his lips and parted his legs for Fenris, cradling his hips until their erections rubbed against each other, making them both groan. Fenris claimed those red lips once more with a breathless kiss while he reached for the drawer next to them, pulling something out that he had saved for... desperate times.

 

"Can I...?" It was only half of a question but Anders nodded against his lips, spreading his legs a little more. Fenris reached between them with lubed fingers, lips still hovering over Anders', so he could feel his breathing speed up when he shoved in the first finger.

 

"Relax," he whispered to the mage. "There's nothing of you that I haven't seen. You can give in."

 

Anders opened his eyes a little, gazing up at him while Fenris prepared him carefully.

 

"I've seen everything," he continued just as quiet. "you're so beautiful it almost makes me angry. Even the parts of you that are broken are beauitiful. Like every little crack has been fixed with gold. I hated you because I couldn't see through you. But now I can. And it's good."

 

He added more fingers as he nibbled at Anders' lips, swallowing every moan that left him, whispering crudely sweetness into his skin. When he finally pushed into the mage then, all carefulness was forgotten. Fenris groaned at the tight heat and instantly clawed both hands into Anders' hair, pressing their foreheads together as he fucked into him in a quick and rough pace. The mage was taller than Fenris, his shoulders broader, but he arched against the elf so nicely, submissively. They were still on eye-level though, they craved the same thing, they knew what the other needed and no matter who ended up on his back, they understood each other.

 

It strangely reminded Fenris of their fight in the gym. Back then, they had understood each other, too. Fenris really should've seen it coming.

 

"Next time we drift," Fenris panted against Anders' mouth. "I want you to think of right now. I want to know how it is for you. I want to feel myself fucking you rough like this."

 

"Oh fuck."

 

"I want to hear everything you think. You're not talking as much as I expected you to. You always talk, you – _ah_ – never shut up. I thought I'd have to gag you or something like that."

 

Fenris shifted his hips, bending his knees a little to change the angle and fuck Anders deeper. The mage jerked against him with a gasp.

 

"Less talking, more fucking," he moaned and Fenris chuckled.

 

"I see, we're on the same page then."

 

He kissed Anders again, still holding his hair while the thrusts became more violent and faster. He felt the mage's cock trapped between their stomachs, rubbing against the markings on Fenris' abdomen. He could feel it, how the Lyrium reacted to Anders, like a cooling sensation that almost made the pain go away. But it also seemed to affect the mage, sedating his temper. It was strange.

 

But everything felt so right and so close that he kept fucking Anders until the mage came with a shout, spending himself between their bodies and scrabbling at the elf's back. He clenched around Fenris as he was shaking with orgasm, making the drag oh so sweeter and Fenris found himself biting Anders' neck as he came, not hard enough to draw blood but there was an instict that he couldn't resist. Anders just slung his arms and legs completely around Fenris, holding him there until they both stopped trembling.

 

" _Fuck_ , Fenris. Fuck, that was... fuck."

 

"I agree," Fenris wheezed and licked at the slightly bruised skin on Anders' neck before he untangled himself from the mage and wiped them both off with the shirt that was still next to his bed.

 

After that they both just lied there for a long time, listening to each other's breathing, staring at the ceiling. Fenris' mind was pretty much blown free from any thoughts and that was quite nice. Even his skin ached less and he was... satisfied.

 

"Do you think," Anders sounded a little hoarse. "that next time the drift, it will work properly?"

 

"If they let us drift again..."

 

"They didn't come after you because apparently you looked like you were about to kill someone. That's why I waited before I came."

 

Fenris turned his head and Anders grinned at him, his hair a mess. Fenris really liked his hair... So when he extended his hand to run his fingers through it, Anders let him, pressing a kiss to the inside of his arm.

 

"But I think they will let us. They probably expected that it would be... emotional, the first time."

 

"It was quite intense, our first time."

 

Anders grinned at him and rolled onto his stomach so he was lying half on top of Fenris, his chin on the elf's chest, leg resting between his thighs comfortably.

 

"They probably heard us."

 

"Yes... Warden beds aren't very solid," Fenris grumbled and imagined the others' faces. Some would be delighted, others certainly wouldn't.

 

Anders laughed at his words and Fenris stared at him. It was not the first time he had seen him laugh but it was the first time that he was the cause of it. He gasped a little and pulled Anders in for a kiss. It was softer this time, Fenris tried to give in to his instincts again and now it wasn't just blind arousal, it was... something else. Anders sighed against his lips and before it could turn into more, Fenris pushed Anders' face flat against his shoulder and dragged the covers over him, so he wouldn't see the elf blush. It was ridiculous.

 

Anders snorted and tried to lift his head with the blanket still on it.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

"You should sleep. You didn't sleep at all last night."

 

"How do you know...?" But then he just smiled again and rested his head back against Fenris' warm skin, closing his eyes.

 

Fenris focused on watching Anders fall asleep, Fingers combing through the long hair. It was ridiculous, _they_ were ridiculous, but for once Fenris wanted to give in to it. To both the Jaeger part and the... other thing. Not everyone had prove that their relationship was 99% compatible, so who was Fenris to fight it? He was tired of being called the 'broody elf' and perhaps Varric was right, maybe they could stop the blight together with Hawke and Isabela.

 

In the end, Anders didn't sleep much because they both got hungry at some point and they still looked pretty wrecked when they left the quarter, hair a mess, clothes just thrown on in a haste. When they entered the canteen, many people turned to look at them but Fenris ignored them all in favour of filling his plate until he had to build a pyramid to keep it all on. He looked for the table with Hawke and the others and when he found them he sat down next to Merrill, pushing her a little to make room for Anders, who yawned loudly and slumped down next to him, pulling the hood on to hide the worst of his hair.

 

"Good morning," Hawke said, even though it obviously wasn't morning anymore, and rested her chin on one hand, smiling at them gleefully.

 

"Looks like you two have been busy?" Isabela added and mimicked her partner's gesture.

 

"Very," Fenris just said and started to eat from his plate and so did Anders.

 

"Did anyone get hurt?" Merrill asked Fenris with big eyes and he could see it was an actual sincere question. How could a blood mage be so... innocent? Perhaps _that_ was an act then?

 

"Only a little," he answered and Aveline awkwardly moved vegetables across her plate.

 

Varric was cleaning his glasses and watched them with a considerate look. Whatever he was thinking, he seemed to calculate if it was worth to be said out loud.

 

"So, will you drift again?" Hawke eyed them both. "I mean, we all agree that your first time didn't end so well... but that was to be expected. Too much emotion in the drift, the J-tech was going crazy. But... we're ready to try it again. If you are. Dragon Sail really needs someone who can keep up with her."

 

Fenris felt Anders look at him for a moment, then he turned to Hawke with a grin.

 

"Only if you let us choose our suits this time. I have to look good next to this gorgeous elf."

 

At this Sebastian choked on his food and Aveline flipped her vegetables.

 

*

 

The dirft was silence, it was darkness. But it wasn't that kind of darkness which made you feel like you were locked inside a small room, forever without hope. It was endless darkness that didn't bind you to this world but opened up like the sky at night.

 

" _Right hemisphere calibrated. Left hemisphere calibrated. Drift complete. ‘Glowing Wolf’ is ready to fight._ _"_

**Author's Note:**

> I really was a little reluctant to post it because it feels like something that deserves more than this. I'm a bit insecure about it's quality and the character development. I also didn't have a beta for this, I hope there are not THAT much typos left... So, I still hope you liked it! *sweats*
> 
> I'm on tumblr too if you want to talk to me <3 [squishysoul.tumblr.com](http://squishysoul.tumblr.com/)


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